just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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