Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
