Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
