I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
