apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
