do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
