: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
