Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
