Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
