Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
