Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
