I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
