I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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