Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
