I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
