I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
