It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
