I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
