I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
