Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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