WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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