Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
