Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
