i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
