doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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