I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize