Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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