you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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