i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
