I cannot find my penis.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
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he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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