Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
