I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
