...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
i now understand why vodka
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
