Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Cover your peen. We're going out.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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