At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
