my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i came on her dog
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
