well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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