im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
