i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
