I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
