he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
