She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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