why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
