I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
