All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
