i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
