Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
