i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
