chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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