Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
