I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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