I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
