Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
