Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
