If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
