I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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