he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
