I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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