Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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