arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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